Beat
by Vinnie K
Summary: She wants him. And when she tells him this, he looks at her with cold eyes and replies, "You want the pain to go away." Very strong T. Lexie/Jackson, with mentions of Mark/Lexie.


**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Merely borrowing.

**A/N:** Just something I wanted to try. I know it may not be everyone's cup of tea but it was bugging me (: Personally, if Mark and Lexie never get back together, I wouldn't mind a Jackson/Lexie fling. Though, with that being said, I'm still rooting for Mark/Lexie to get back together and I'll be quite happy if Jackson and Lexie remain friends (: Anyway, I wanted to try this. Let me know what you think! (:

* * *

She is tired of being left behind.

It is obvious that Mark has moved on and it is even more obvious that Alex wants nothing to do with her anymore, and so Lexie decides it is time to move on.

It is a scary thought, an even scarier plan to put into action, but it has to be done.

And even though her mind protests and it feels as if her heart has stopped beating, Lexie ignores the thoughts because she knows it is irrational. Of course, she was still _alive_, and she was still _breathing_, but the emptiness is still there. It heightens every time she catches a glance of Mark.

But she could do this, she reminds herself for what feels like the thousandth time.

Plan Move On.

She has been stuck for a long time, forced to watch as everyone moved on without her. But not anymore. Her heart _was_ still beating (she thinks) and so it was time to move on and catch up, because clearly, the blond decision was not enough.

She needed to do something else.

And then, it finally hits Lexie.

It was simple really, and Lexie scolds herself for not thinking of it sooner. If Mark got to fuck other people, then damn it, so would she.

(And Alex doesn't count, she adds because he was old, recycled news).

As she stares in the mirror, there is still a part of her mind that wants to laugh at the blonde hair, the pale face and stunningly bright red lipstick. This isn't who she is. She's Lexie Grey, she's supposed to be mousy and quiet and a wallflower. She isn't supposed to be in her bathroom on a Friday night, getting ready to go out and seduce men.

This time the sight of her tight fitting dark blue jeans and low cut red top does cause Lexie to laugh. It's a strange noise to her own ears, strangled, cracked, and foreign; the voice doesn't belong to Lexie Grey anymore. Not the Lexie Grey she once was.

That Lexie had disappeared; evaporated from sight the moment she slept with another man.

The thought, the recognition of her night with Alex, causes a familiar churn in her stomach and Lexie has to remember to breathe.

It had happened and there was nothing she could do.

There was no point in residing in the self-loathing, and so Lexie focuses her tired eyes on the woman in front of her, staring back at her through the blurry mirror.

The situation is bordering on ridiculous, Lexie knows that far too well, but she doesn't change.

She can't change.

Not her clothes, or herself, because this is who she is now.

Lexie Grey – Dirty Mistress.

(She is tempted to make business cards saying exactly that).

**- I -**

Nerves eat away at her as she enters Joe's. Her red top glows under the hazy lights of the room and suddenly, Lexie feels self-conscious. It feels as if everyone's eyes are on her as she makes her way towards the bar (of course, she is being stupid, but she can feel them, their eyes burning through her skin). Settling down on a bar stool, Lexie lets out a heavy sigh as Joe comes to take her order. She smiles at him nervously when he takes in her hair and lipstick and clothes. Thankfully, he doesn't say anything, moving away to grab her drink.

Licking her lips, Lexie turns casually to take a check of the bar. There is no-one from the hospital that she recognizes, except for a few nurses at the far back corner. Lexie smiles when Joe places her drink (a shot of vodka and a whiskey sour) on the semi-sticky counter in front of her. You can do this; it's not that hard, every guy wants a one-night stand. It repeats in her head like a mantra. You can do this, you can find someone, you are not that bad, _you can do this_.

And as soon as the fiery liquid hits the back of her throat, Lexie is nearly sure of herself.

Four shots and three whiskey sours later, Lexie hasn't made her move.

She wants to, but she is Lexie Grey and she over thinks everything. Of course, she is prepared with the vitals (birth control, condoms, she was a Girl Scout, you know) and she knows what to do, she just cannot bring herself to do the act. She can't do the deed and the thought alone causes Lexie to blush, the shade matching her top and the lipstick that is smeared on the glass in front of her.

It's stupid really, and Lexie finds herself scolding herself. She is now part of the Dirty Mistresses Club; this should come easily to her. After all, she did seduce someone once (though she wasn't sure if you could call shaky hands and a stuttered "teach me" really seducing someone).

Though, that was a lifetime ago.

That was a different Lexie Grey. That was a Lexie Grey who wanted someone who she knew wanted her. That was different.

This is offering herself to a stranger.

This was dangerous and dirty and scary and suddenly, Lexie doesn't like the idea.

She isn't even supposed to be a Dirty Mistress!

No, this wasn't right.

And as soon as Lexie places her money on the counter, and stumbles out of her seat, an arm wraps around her waist to steady her.

Looking up at the man, Lexie's heart flutters as she looks up into those bright blue eyes.

Maybe she could do this one night stand thing after all.

**- II -**

They end up outside nearly immediately because he was on his way out when he saw her for the first time, stumbling out of her seat. His first intention was to make sure she was okay (his second intention was to make a comment on her shockingly seductive bright red top).

He had it all planned out when he wrapped his arms around her and steadied her on her equally seductive red heels. Help her out, get her home, check up on her tomorrow at work. What Jackson didn't plan for was being pushed up against his car as Lexie tries to kiss him.

"Hey, Lex," Jackson laughs slightly out of shock and nerves as he dodges Lexie's kiss. "What're you doing?"

Obviously, this isn't what Lexie wanted to hear because she huffs and shakes her head frantically at his words. "Don't," she whispers, her voice shaking slightly as she rests her hands on his chest. Her gaze falls on her small hands, her pale skin contrasting brightly with the black of his jacket. Looking up at him, Lexie tries to smile at him in an alluring manner but it only works to show her shyness.

If she knew Jackson better, she would know he had come to quite like her shyness.

Stretching upwards, Lexie slips her arms around his neck and presses her body to his, causing Jackson to clench his jaw. This wasn't right, he reminds himself, even though the feel of Lexie's soft breasts against his chest feels way too good.

_No._

She presses her lips to the base of his neck. Her tongue flicks out.

_Wrong._

Her soft sigh caresses his skin as she nips at the skin where his jaw meets his neck.

_Bad._

"Jackson…"

His name slips from her lips a lot easier than Lexie thought possible. Looking up at him with wide eyes, she tries to smirk at him, tries to form a seductive look, but instead the look she gives him displays all her emotions, her fear and worry and pleas.

He doesn't want to give her a pity fuck.

He doesn't want to fuck her and then leave in the morning because he knows it won't help.

And he wants to help her, but not in this way.

But then her soft voice floats against him as she presses her lips to his cheek and murmurs, "I want you."

His eyes remain cold and detached when he places his hands on top of hers and replies, "You want the pain to go away."

It's the truth and they both know it. Lexie knows she should be worried that he already knows her so well, but for the moment, that isn't important. Instead, she merely raises an eyebrow, a new surge of confidence radiating from her.

"So?" She replies, the tone of her voice daring him to defy her. Placing her delicate hand on his chest, she leans up closer, her lips hovering above his but she doesn't kiss him, because something is still pulling her back (a part of her mind wants to think it is her common sense, her love for Mark, her knowledge that this will never come to anything good).

Jackson stares at her, his eyes steady on hers, watching as her eyes flicker ever so slightly as she tries to remain confident and poised, and it is all he needs to take her hand in his and sternly say, "No."

Well, this wasn't going how Lexie planned.

Her lips pout slightly when she slips her hands away from his so that she can rest one on his shoulder, her other hand moving to his face, her ghostly fingers tracing the line of his jaw. "Jackson," she whispers, her lips rubbing over his cheek. "Come on…"

_You know you want to._

She doesn't say it, but the words linger between them regardless.

But, Jackson doesn't fall as easily as Lexie.

Instead, he takes a step away from her, the cold air hitting Lexie like a slap.

She blinks, once, twice, three times and suddenly, her mouth begins to shake as she watches him.

God.

What the fuck was she doing?

Jackson sees the realization in her eyes and sighs heavily.

"Go home, Grey," he states and he is about to turn and open his car door and leave and forget that this ever happened, when Lexie's cracked voice stops him.

"Please…"

The word scratches another scar into his heart.

Jackson closes his eyes; this shouldn't be happening.

Jackson knows he should leave, knows he should take her home and ignore her pleas until she sees that this isn't what she needs, but she is vulnerable and open and it doesn't matter what he may or may not feel for Lexie Grey, Jackson couldn't let her be alone right now.

Thank God she picked him and instead of another guy who wouldn't realize that sex isn't what she really wants.

She wants Sloan.

The thought vibrates through his mind, and for some reason leaves behind a trail of bitterness.

Sloan didn't deserve Lexie. And Lexie didn't deserve thinking that she had to act like a whore to get over the pain he had left in her heart.

Opening his eyes, Jackson turns to Lexie and his voice is firm as he crosses his arms over his chest and tells her, "You shouldn't think that you need to do this to get over him."Although he notices the hurt that flutters across her features, he ignores it. "Look, Grey, I'm not easy."

Oh really, is her immediate response, but she doesn't say anything. She knows he's right. Of course, he is right but Lexie doesn't want to be rejected. Not now. Especially not now.

And so she slowly shakes her head and resumes her old position, one hand on his shoulder, the other on his cheek as she presses her body firmly against his.

"Jackson," she whispers urgently, pressing her breasts tighter against his chest (if that was even possible). "I want this," she reminds him and if she repeats herself enough, perhaps it will be true.

With her lips hovering over his, her words sting him when she whispers, "I want you to fuck me."

Jackson shakes his head in disbelief. Lexie Grey wasn't supposed to say words like that. She wasn't supposed to be in front of him in a ridiculously low cut top, her breasts exposed and welcoming, her lipstick smudged and her eyes blurry. He knows he told her if she wanted to change she would need to change a lot more than just her hair color, but he didn't want her to change like this.

He didn't want her to get drunk and throw herself at him.

It wasn't seductive, it was heartbreakingly pathetic.

Sighing slightly, Jackson leans forward and presses a soft kiss to her forehead.

His hands glide over her exposed arms in what are supposed to be comforting motions. "You don't want me, Lex," he murmurs against her skin, his lips resting firmly against her forehead.

_Don't say you want me if it's not true._

That had happened to him far too many times in the past.

Her eyes close on their own accord from the feel of his soft lips on her skin. "I do," she replies as her arms slowly move to wrap around his waist. Despite what she expected, he felt good next to her. Strong, firm, familiar. "I want _you_, Jackson."

Her voice is breathy and stained with alcohol. "Don't do this to yourself," Jackson says as he sighs against her skin. He kisses her again, his lips against the cool skin of her forehead causing Lexie to shudder. Her arms tighten around him, much to Jackson's despair. "Come on, Lexie…"

"No."

And the word slips past her lips in a strangled choke of emotion.

"No," she chokes out again in a broken whisper. Pulling away from him slightly, Lexie looks up at him with sorrow clear in her eyes as she says, "Please…I need…"

To feel alive.

To feel real.

As she stares at him, her lips shake when she practically begs him. "I-I need to feel as if this isn't happening," she blurts out before she can stop herself. "Please…" Her voice breaks as she whispers, "God, I-I need to know that my heart isn't breaking."

And with that, her body jolts against his as her shoulders slump, her lips crashing down on his neck as she cries, "I need you."

**- III -**

It isn't what she expects.

Lexie thought her one night stand would be hard and fast and rough and it would rip away any remnants of Alex and Mark from her body.

She wanted it to be raw and animalistic, a simple meeting of carnal needs.

She didn't plan for it to be slow and thoughtful and gentle.

Lexie never saw Jackson as _gentle_ and _kind_.

_Arrogant_ and _competitive_, yes, but _gentle_ was a whole different feeling when it came from Jackson Avery.

Her lips tremble when he runs his mouth slowly over her neck, then her collar bone, then to the top of her breasts. Looking up at her, Jackson smiles before he smoothes his hand over her face, his fingers tracing the curve of her cheek, her lips, her neck. There is a voice at the back of his mind that tells him he shouldn't do this, it will only end with her feeling worse and him feeling used once again, but for the moment, having his skin rub against hers in enough.

He wants to heal her.

Tomorrow, of course, when she tries to talk to him, he will cut her off and tell her that it is fine. That they can forget about it if she wants and that he understands.

(He doesn't really, but he knows it's what she wants to hear).

Tomorrow, he will tell that it wasn't her fault, he took part in it too, and that yes, it really is okay.

And tomorrow, when Lexie forces herself into the on-call room when he is in trying to catch a few minutes of sleep, Jackson will hold her when she cries, her sorrow of seeing Mark and Teddy leave together seeping into his blue scrubs.

He will repeat the same words that he does now, his lips whispering over her skin, "You deserve better than this." He will say it again, because he needs for her to believe it.

He will not be sure if he means better than this heartache and better than Mark, or if she deserves better than _him_. But that will not matter because Jackson will repeat his words over and over tomorrow and the next day and any day after that Lexie needs to hear them because eventually, his words will heal her.

And now, as he enters her, one hand gently threaded through her hair, the other firmly clasped in her own hand, his lips run along the side of her neck as he moves slowly, carefully, afraid that if he goes any faster she will snap.

And, it is like nothing she has felt for a long, long time.

Lexie can feel him, feel his soft words tickle her damp, cool skin, and it feels wonderful. It is new and pure and God, it makes her heart clench and squeeze in the most pleasant way.

She is close, she can feel it creep along her spine, the hands of pleasure spreading over their joint bodies and he knows it too because he moves faster, harder, grips her tighter in his arms.

Then, after they come together, Lexie shudders under him in bliss because this was so much better than what she expected. This was raw and passionate and exactly that she needed. And then later, when he thinks she is asleep, his gentle lips run over her skin once again, his whisper causing Lexie's heart to flutter with the brief signs of life.

"You deserve better than this."

And finally, she feels her heart beat.

* * *

_Thanks for reading (: Let me know what you think! (:_


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